Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Whatever Santa Claus is Doing Outside Christmas?

Since I got fired two weeks ago from my job as a postman, I made friends to a lot of dead things around me. You name it, from can food, can drinks, whisky (the cheap one), fridge, and a few kind of other dead things. All my human friends are busy and I got tired to be questioned by them whether I was okay or not after this shitty situation. One way to change the topic and pissed them off is by asking them back "Are you gaining some kilos? I see fat growing in your body lately plus some eye bags around your face. Wait.. are those eye bags or air bags?". It works, they completely forgot about my pathetic life and I could see how they look worried while staring at their own body.

Anyway, so I think those dead things are more thoughtful than human. They can remain silent while I enjoy them and they don't give me pitiful looks or "thank God I'm not you" expression in their face.

But if you ask me why I got fired, then I would tell you. People hardly mail to each other now, so the mails we got each day kind of less and less. Obviously as a postman I got extremely bored and unchallenged. I don't like spare time. So what I did that day was I took a lot of stamps from my office (well okay my boss said I STOLE it and I kind of agreed to that term) and I wrote a few random letters and sent it to random single people from the data base, and of course I didn't put my name on it instead of I put a name of another single people on it. You get it right?  Hell yes it's fun. I wrote romantic letter and make them meet each other. Even I wrote this love letter to an old granny and made it come from this freshman guy in some art college. Okay if that one is not that funny I understand, guys.

So one day I got caught and my boss freak out and fired me. And here I am now in front of my 13 inch television with a jar of Skippy on my hands, chewing, not really watching because TV shows never attract me that much. Apparently these dead things start to stress me out, because obviously I can't ask them anything either. Even the people inside the TV didn't tell anything I need. My friend said I should watch Oprah, but I'm not in the mood for dealing with successful-in-public person right now. I mean, those smart ass look on their face with good speech gestures look overrated. I have this feeling they don't look that interesting when they're alone in the make up room, especially when they have to pick up their noses or tried hard to poop out their last food. Their gestures will be the same weird. I need someone more than Oprah, or Joel Osteen, or Elen Degeneres... Well yeah Elen is not bad, but still I'm going to shut my door for those kind of perfectly-arranged people under some massive industry at this moment. Sorry.

Then I got this name, in this month of April, that suddenly landed in my mind. SANTA CLAUS.
Whatever he does outside Christmas period? Probably he's doing the same thing like me now? Wait. I might be old, but I still believe in Santa. Don't laugh. And don't give a statement like "Hell right you don't believe in Oprah but you believe in Santa!" or "I guess your boss just did the right thing". Please guys I don't need any comments from you. Just shut up and take care of your tummies cause they look like growing some fat.  Obviously. And clean up your eyes because shittt are those air bags hanging there???

Okay. So I got this Santa Claus address from our confidential data base, which got other particular names too like Betty Boo, William Hung, Anna Nicole Smith (we don't delete her name even though now she's RIP cause some guys can 'come' only by reading her home address), David Hasselhoff 's car in Knight Rider series, yes that Kitt (excuse me? you want David Hasselhoff's address instead? Sorry we have never thought to put his address into our database) and also the old white-hair friendly smiley face man you always see in Quaker Oats meal can. I don't know his name but we call him "Mr. Old-Meal".

Then I found Santa Claus' address and get ready to visit him. Don't ask how or the possibility of it, I told you to clean up your eyes right? Cause those air bags still hanging there seriously.

A few hours later I'm arrived in an old house, not too big but I don't call it small either. If you think that Claus' house is big because he has a lot of presents or anything, you get it wrong. Cause the presents and anything are kept in this big workshop nearby, being guarded by some funny look guys wearing black outfit. While Claus lives in this simple wooden house with a march of white roses growing in front of his backyard, apple tree standing right next to his house, and a dog house on the porch. It might his Rottweiler dog that he kept to take care of his house. Because some thief thought the presents are inside his house and trying to steal them or something. But Claus said "I don't want them to try that hard to break my door and get inside finding nothing, so my dog David is in charge to make them change their mind."

"Can I help you?" a thin guy with long white hair asked me after a minute this dog David barked fiercely at me in front of the door. Thank God I love dog so I don't find it scary. The thin guy wore striped pajamas, look mess up because I knew he hasn't showered since morning.

"I'm Ben, I'd like to meet Claus." I answered nicely.

"I'm Claus." the thin guy answered. He's fucking thinner than the usual Santa Claus I see in Christmas greeting card.

I kept silent for a while, didn't say anything further until he shrugged and smiled. "I know what you're thinking about. Well, son, it's only April and I only have to gain weight later around November. Actually I'm starting to worry this diabetes syndrome so I might not gain weight as fat as I used too. Everybody has to be health conscious anyway right." He explained to me openly just like that.

"Oh, nice meeting you, Claus," I could only replied that silly thing and shook his hand. "Is it okay if I visit you for a while?"

Claus opened his door wider and told his dog David with a hand sign to sleep because he found me harmless, sort of that I think.

I got inside and honestly his house need a housekeeper. Messy stuff on the floor like tires, books, bread crumbs, and dried pine tree leaves. I wanted to sneeze because of the dust, but I tried my best not to because I don't want to hurt Claus' feeling. So I took a seat on this old sofa that smelled like goat cheese. I love the smells of goat cheese when I'm in a cafe with some bread and wine, but if on a plain sofa inside this messy living room then I don't feel really right.

"What to drink, son?" Claus asked me as he opened his tiny fridge.

"Anything cold would be nice, thanks."

Claus came to me with a can of Coke in his hand. I wish he could give me more particular drink that I couldn't find near home, but that's okay. "Thanks." I said.

With a little smile, Claus sat on the smaller sofa right in front of me. "You just got fired?" then he drank his own Coke.

I nodded. "How come you know?"

Claus laughed. "I can read expression quite fast. So what's up? You want to look for a job here?"

I laughed right away. "No, just want to do some little talk. Cause I hate spare time, so I need to make
myself busy. Just being curious you know, what are you doing when Christmas is not here yet?"

Claus laughed again. "Good question. Okay... first of all, nowadays kids don't wait for me that eagerly anymore on Christmas eve, so I feel pissed off a bit. Plus it's quite confirmed that everybody thinks Santa is not real. Especially the adult like your age, son. They're boooo-ring and hardly to feel joyful. Well anyway, I got more pissed off when Christmas is over cause I have to wait another year to get busy. So...hey, you're not alone, son."

I smiled. I have been waiting for this, it is to meet a person who's being more pissed off than me.

With eyes staring at the ceiling, Claus looked like he sank into his thought alone for a while. Then came back to me a few seconds later. "Can you keep a secret?"

I looked around checking out nobody there and looked deeply into Claus' eyes. "Yes."

Claus choked a bit. "Ehm.. I do random stuff when I'm not on Christmas month. I did this casting to this movie Harry Potter, you know I thought I might be fit to be Albus Dumbledore, but they said I'm doing too much 'Ho Ho Ho'. Well I can't help it, I've been trained to laugh a 'Ho Ho Ho' for all my entire life and how could I not do that???"

I could only nod. "Yeah."

"And this time I almost get killed... I only want to have better marketing for my own name, so I traveled to east and planned to meet bigger population. So, stupidly, I landed on this place called Afghanistan with my red outfit and a few deers. I checked the children out and suddenly a group of men wrapped in white clothes running toward me and pointed some guns. For real! I could only explain who I am and they look suspicious and say something like Americana icon... or iconic Christiana Americana whatever. Then what I did was I gave up and thank god I got a bunch of plastic guns in my carriage that day, which were leftovers from last season Christmas, so I told them I planned to give these presents to their children. And they look happy and let me go and I went away right on that minute. Gee.. Santa Claus is going from town, if only I could change that song lyric."

I could only shut my mouth. Someone is more pissed off than me for sure.

"So son... why don't you just work with me here? I might need a new guy for taking care of my deers. You look like a nice guy. I'm sure you're still feeling pathetic after your boss fired you?" he asked me that dangerous question.

Actually I almost yelled at him "Hey are you gaining some weight? Cause I see fat growing in your tummies. And are those air bags hanging under your eyes?" But I changed my mind because Claus is obviously got no fats on his tummy and he has those real eye bags.. So I don't have a gut to say my curse to him. He's a nice pathetic person anyway who almost lost his popularity in public. A kind of person I'm looking for at this moment.

"Oh yes, Santa... of course. Whatever that job is, I'm in!" I answered happily. Not ever after probably, but it's okay.